even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
