I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
