I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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