then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize