And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
