First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
