Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
whose parrot is this?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
