I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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