So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
