I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize