Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
