my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize