party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
