I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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