Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
