its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
