Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
