i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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