Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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