every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
