I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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