i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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