return my video game
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
