Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
