She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
