Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
