Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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