Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
