are you still at the devil's house?
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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