I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
