I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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