Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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