I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
