I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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