The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
