You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
