After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
