really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
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