Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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