Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
