I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
