my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
well, you know. whores of a feather.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
