Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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