So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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