Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
