dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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