if only i could text you this smell
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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