I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
