So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize