last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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