I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
