walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
