theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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