i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He kissed a someone with a penis
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
