dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
