and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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