we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
