I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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