We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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