Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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