we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
