i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Text me some of your sweat
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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