If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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