Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
