I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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