I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
