I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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