Betty ford says i'm here all night
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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