I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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